VOLUME: UP ISSUE #15
AL THE GROUNDHOG PERMITTED TO EXPAND
Despite severe regulations limiting groundhog digging in and around
Wowtown, beloved town mascot Al the groundhog is finally being allowed
to expand his underground lair with a long dreamed of music room.
"This is a lot of work when your instrument
is a tuba," Al explained during a break from his digging chores.
"You need to have a space not only big enough for the instrument itself
but also for your music stand and recording gear. You need room enough
for the sound to resonate and good air circulation, especially if you are
a smoker like me. Sometimes I wish I'd chosen to play something smaller
but then I always remind myself that I am much better off than that Octopus
pianist Balls Jordan over in the lagoon dealing with all that seaweed that
gets caught up in his strings."
Why is it so hard these days for a groundhog
to get permission to dig? It all started with the disastrous results
of massive prairie dog expansions in the late 80's which resulted in the
unfortunate collapse of Dog Bark Park. At that time several domestic
pets and human baby Kenny G. Whiz were trapped underground over night and
nearly suffocated. Were it not for the valiant efforts of a quickly
organized groundhog digging crew little Kenny G. might not be with us today.
At the time of the collapse the groundhogs
had been building a massive underground shopping complex complete with
a multiplex movie theater. It became evident that some building
regulations had to be implemented. Mayor Easy, Sr. and the city council
came up with a strict plan which included a new branch of the local Planned
Parenthood office devoted exclusively to educating the booming groundhog
population on modern birth control methods.
"It's lucky that it was we groundhogs that
rescued the human," explained Al, "otherwise we might have
been chased out of Wowtown for good, and I most certainly wouldn't be town
mascot today."
Still, Al believes that the building
regulations are particularly stringent and make things unnecessarily difficult.
"I spent a lot of time and energy trying to break through the red tape,
in the end I had to resort to my special persuasiveness. After
exhausting all the gentle methods I just dragged Big Bertha, my Tuba,
right in to city hall and began to blow. Three hours later
I had my permit."
-Thomas Truax, June '02
The Wowtown News is published sporadically and distributed
free of charge to local residents, distant relatives and friends.
Copyright 2002 by Thomas Truax