VOLUME: UP ISSUE #17
A SPIDER'S CHRISTMAS
by Thomas Truax
'Twas the day before Christmas and school was let out early! It
was that special day of the year when the
children of the Huxley family of spiders rush to the Crickshaw Bridge,
off the northeast end of Wowbegon
Lake, to play their forbidden annual game of icicle climbing.
To prepare for the game, first a large patchwork
quilt of web was spun together by all the participants. It
was then stretched horizontally above the frozen river underneath the
icicles hanging from the edge of the
bridge, forming a large trampoline. Then the spiders would take
turns leaping from the bridge, bouncing off
the trampoline and attempting to grab hold of and cling to an icicle.
If this was managed, the spider would then
attempt to climb the slippery icicle back to the bridge. At the
end of the day the spider with the greatest number
of climbs would be crowned Ice King, or Ice Queen, and all must
bow before him or her. A well aimed,
powerful bounce is required, and most spiders are unable to reach,
let alone grab on to an icicle.
Jimmy was a little smaller and tended to be
a bit more clumsy than the other spider babies, his feet were not
as sticky and his attempts to ejaculate a proper web were usually embarrassingly
unsuccessful (it shot out like a
spiraling mass of silly string). He was a figure of ridicule
for his siblings, nevertheless it seemed that this was
his day to turn things around, as on his very first attempt he not
only bounced high enough to reach an icicle,
he was also able to grab on and HOLD! Throngs of tiny spiders
gasped in awe around him. He could hardly
believe it himself as he clenched his multi-faceted eyes shut, took
a deep breath and told himself "Now, now
Jimmy, don't let your excitement foul this up. Hold on tight!"
He knew he still had to make the climb, and
that the most devastating thing that could happen would be to
slip off now, after having come so close to victory. So he held
on tight while he regained his composure.
This turned out to be a grave mistake, for
he held TOO long, and when he tried to move the first of his eight
tiny legs he found it to be frozen to the ice! He grunted, groaned
and strained. He tried each other leg, one at a
time, but each was unfortunately very much as stuck. The other
spiders began to snicker and giggle and nod
their heads back and forth, then went back to the game around
him for the rest of the day.
As it got colder and evening set in he realized
he'd probably be stuck there all night. He would have to wait
until morning and hope the warmth of a new day would be enough to thaw
him free.
Gradually his siblings filed off into the
night, with an occasional "Merry Christmas Jimmy!" thrown at him
spitefully. And through his cold multi-faceted eyes he saw a
multitude of warm things: distant webs of
Christmas lights began to go on in the nearby town, candles burned
in the window hole of a nearby squirrel
family tree. And then there was smoke coming up from Al the Groundhog's
hole, probably from a lovely
fireplace that made him think of the nice fireplace that must be burning
below at his own family's home back in
the rafters of the Tailspin Tavern. There they would be stringing
eight tiny stockings for each brother and
sister from the big family web, and they'd all be excitedly preparing
for the arrival of Big Santa Spider later
tonight, with his eight bags of treats, flying through the night
in his sleigh pulled by eight tiny flies stuck to
webbed reigns.
Yes he had plenty of time to think up there
on that icicle, little Jimmy did. He shuddered with thoughts
about creatures that might swoop in on him in the darkness and how
he was pretty much a sitting duck up
there. But maybe that wouldn't be such a bad way to go, because
what really scared him were thoughts about
the anticipated wrath of his father, Daddy Long Legs Huxley, whom it
should be said ruled with nothing less
than an iron spider fist. Once he had even violently ripped the
front two legs off Jimmy's brother Aldous when
he was caught examining a pornographic site on the Big World Web, leaving
him to lead the shameful life of a
veritable six legged insect!
Snow began to fall and tiny multiple tears began
to drip and freeze into tiny icicles from all of Jimmy's eyes.
Exhausted, he finally passed out.
In the morning the sun did indeed shine down
on a sparkling, crackling crystal landscape and Jimmy
melted free and dropped with a soft bounce on the web trampoline below.
There couldn't have been another
being in all of Wowtown happier about it being a sunshine Christmas,
but he was still very frightened about
facing Daddy Long Legs who would certainly be waiting to deliver a
severe punishment. His fears were
unfounded, however. For due to a long standing family tradition
of which Jimmy was too young to be aware,
Mommy had eaten Daddy during the night.
-Thomas Truax
home